Now if you plan on having a real Bollywood Indian wedding, then we suggest you tell your true love (the one you’re not allowed to marry) not to come crashing in on his motorcycle planning to take you away. As romantic as it sounds, it’s just asking for trouble. If you’re lucky enough to marry the man of your dreams, well you better hope he is, because the word ‘divorce’ is not allowed in the ‘good Indian girl’ dictionary. Neither is the word ‘lesbian’ but times are slowly changing. We all know that an Indian wedding is full of thousands of people you don’t really know, clashing colours and the uncontrollable old ladies singing. This can send shivers down any brides’ spine. But it is truly the most important day of your life, apart from the day when you got that Karen Walker jacket on sale. On your wedding day the rituals you and your husband will perform and the meaning behind it all, will bind the two of you together better than PVA glue. Being the perfect Indian Bride can get quite stressful, you have to please not only your mother but your mother-in-law too. If you don’t know how to make round rotis, you’d better start learning. You’ll get lots of advice and unwanted advice from this aunty and that aunty. Our advice - get out the pimple cream and two large bottles of vodka. You will need one bottle after the wedding, guaranteed. Once you have mehendi on your hands, the veil on your head,  you’ll be ready to tie the knot and run circles around that fire...then push out a couple of kids to make your own family cricket team.